House of Tards

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Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, and Louis C.K. walk into a bar.  

“What are ya having, sweetcheeks?” asks the barmaid.

“Barely-legal virgins,” says Harvey.

“Little boys,” Kevin says.

“Want to see my dick?” says Louie.  

“Ummmm…” says the barmaid.  “There’s a punchline here somewhere.”

When it comes to sexual assault, happiness is the best revenge.  Or you could do the Lorena Bobbit thing and cut off his penis. It’s all about standing up for yourself and not letting men push you around.   I have real-life tales of date rape to reveal.  Sometimes you don’t even realize something was inappropriate for many years.  Sexy women get used to unwanted sexual attention. At least, I’ve let some things slide that I really shouldn’t have.  You’re always worried that no one will take you seriously lest you reveal the sadistic desires of some people walking in our midst.  The whole #metoo sensation might have thrown some men for a loop.  Some called out perverted guys they know.  But it’s important for each man to look deep within himself and acknowledge the pervy things he’s done in the past, and apologize to the person or persons involved.

Let’s examine how some of these famous pervs are handling the negative attention, shall we?  I created a playlist and beverage recipe to correspond with each one.   Perhaps it will inspire some men out there to cop to their own transgressions.

LOUIS C.K.

I watched “Louie” on Netflix, and I’ll admit, I liked Season 1.  There’s a sketch where Louis C.K. and Robin Williams go to the funeral of “the biggest asshole they ever knew.”  They are the only two people there.  Afterwards they go to a strip club.  All the dancers start crying when they tell them who died, because according to them, the same guy was “the most generous man” they knew.

But as the seasons go on, the show dissolves into a serious depression.   A later episode contains a dream sequence in which non-consensual stuff happens between Louie and his crush.   The show becomes all about his strained relationship with daughter and ex-wife.  It wasn’t funny anymore.

When I was binge watching the show a couple years ago, I searched around the internet for info on Louis C.K.  It was rumored he frequently whips out his dingaling in front of female comics.  Now, finally, he has admitted to the whole thing.  Or, at least, some things…

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Drink:  the GINGER COCK-TAIL

1.5 oz. Fireball

Ginger ale

Combine in a tumbler over ice. Garnish with a maraschino cherry.

Playlist:  “Cleaning Out My Closet,” Eminem

“Age of Consent,” New Order

“Issues,” Julia Michaels

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HARVEY WEINSTEIN

The ‘megalomaniacal producer’ is a familiar Hollywood trope.  Someone who will stop at nothing to get what he wants, until his rationality is thrown to the wayside and things fall apart.  This person is driven by power and control, and continues thirsting for more power and control.  Gwyneth Paltrow, Kate Winslet, Rose McGowan…every day, a new one of my favorite actresses I’d grown up watching spoke out against Weinstein.   He became the face of a widespread movie industry problem.

It’s interesting to note that there’s lots of porn made with the “Hollywood casting couch” plotline.  This would make one think it’s a popular fetish, but maybe the porn industry is simply commenting on the Hollywood industry, as they are two sides of a coin.  Many working in the legitimate porn industry today say they are highly respected in the workplace.

(BUT OF COURSE, there is the DARK SIDE of free Internet porn that EXPLOITS AND DEGRADES.  It’s important that your pornography is ETHICALLY SOURCED. RESEARCH THAT SHIT!!!!!!)

Drink:  the SHAKESPEARE IN TROUB

1.5 oz gin

1.5 oz. lemonade

1 oz. Prosecco

Ice

Halved strawberries

Fill large margarita glass or goblet with ice, add lemonade and gin, and top with Prosecco. Garnish with the strawberries.

Playlist:  R. Kelly, “Your Body’s Callin”

“Hollywood,” Madonna

KEVIN SPACEY

I didn’t want to believe this one.  Kevin Spacey?!  I love many of his movies- Seven, American Beauty, LA Confidential. Apparently it was “BuzzFeed News”, which sounds like a complete oxymoron, who broke the story.   But when I read that “House of Cards” removed him from all future episodes and plan to carry on without him, I knew there must be weight to these accusations.  He drunkenly came onto a 14-year-old.   How messed up is that? His ‘thing’ as an actor is to portray socially-inept characters.  He has that ability to maintain an eerily-stoic facial expression at all times.

According to USA Today, there is currently a list of 15 individuals accusing Spacey of misconduct. One of the accusers is Richard Dreyfus’s son! (I had a crush on Richard Dreyfuss when I was a kid after seeing Mr. Holland’s Opus, maybe that explains my teacher fantasy?!) Anyway, Spacey is denying all of these allegations up and down.  I hate liars! HATE THEM!  They should all live together underground.

Playlist:

“Lies”- Thompson Twins

“Lies in the Dark,” Tove Lo

Drink: the NUMB OUT

2 oz. bourbon

½ oz. absinthe

1 oz. lemon juice

Pomegranate juice

Combine ingredients in a shaker with ice and pour into a martini glass.  Garnish with a lemon.

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CHARLIE ROSE

Charlie Rose won an Emmy for his interview with Charles Manson in 1987. Go figure, the day after Manson dies, it’s announced via CBS (Rose’s own employer) that he was terminated due to allegations from young women trying to break into broadcast journalism. This straight-up broke my heart; I was getting a pedicure when it came on the news and kept saying “It’s not true, it cannot be true,” while sniffing glitter nail polish to numb the pain.   I LOVED his show on PBS, Charlie Rose, especially his interview with Bill Gates. Bill Gates keeps alluding to artificial intelligence in a very nuanced way and it’s kind of sexy.

So if I was alone in a party with Charlie Rose, trying to schmooze, would he have invited me up to his hotel room and exposed himself? (And who doesn’t have a story about a guy exposing themselves to share?!)

So, now what? Who knows? He has no job and nowhere to turn.  The media attention is on him now… I am sure they will capture what’s next.

Drink: EVERY ROSE HAS ITS THORN

Pour two shots of Tequila Rose into a snifter, on top of a single ice cube.

Playlist:

“Rose Of the Devil’s Garden,” Tiger Army

“Kiss from a Rose,” Seal

“I Wanna Be Adored,” The Stone Roses

NICK CARTER

But my love is all I have to give. Without you I don’t think I could live. I wish I could give the world to you. But love is all I have to give. Damn, that’s poetic. Nick Carter sang those lines in the early 2000’s as front-man of The Backstreet Boys. Honestly, I was more of a 98 Degrees kind of girl; they were more sexual and obscure.

In 2004, Paris Hilton and Nick Carter dated for 10 months.  In Carter’s ghostwritten book, “Facing the Music and Learning to Talk About It,” he says the time with her was the most self-destructive period in his life. He says he did so much ecstasy that that it caused permanent depressive changes in his brain. So  that would have been around the time the girl-group DREAM (hit single: “He Loves U Not”) were also on the pop charts.

One of the members, now 33, says Carter raped her by going down on her in a bathroom, then persuading her to have sex with him, despite her pleas that she was a “virgin and saving herself for marriage.” (according to People magazine).  Nick Carter says he’s shocked and “saddened” by her proclamation, so who knows.   Let’s hope they both get the help they need.

It must be noted that Carter himself may have suffered sexual abuse at the hands of Lou Pearlman, the record exec who invented the “boy band.” He owned Backstreet Boys, N’sync, O-town, etc., and went to prison after stealing $300 million from investors. It’s alleged he forced members of these boy bands to give him “massages,” and touched them inappropriately.

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Drink: THE BLEACH BLOND

Fill glass with ice. Add equal parts 99 Bananas and orange juice. Pour into cocktail shaker and then into glass. Do this until frothy and enjoy. Garnish as desired.

Playlist: “Show Me The Meaning of Being Lonely,” Backstreet Boys

“Rumors,” Lindsay Lohan

AL FRANKEN

It’s the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring, not even …. A Democratic senator/comedian whose bad joke came to bite him in the ass.

Before becoming a senator in Minnesota, Franken was a politically-minded comedian and wrote for/performed on SNL in the 1970s and 1980s. Is he funny? Not really.  Apparently he groped a sleeping Playboy model, and also forced a make out upon a young news anchor. I mean, the man is old. He probably tastes like peppermint gum and pastrami.  If he stuck his tongue down my throat, I would have barfed everywhere probably. EVERYWHERE!

I’m not that surprised. The man is a comedian and politician. With those careers combined, he had the cards stacked against him.

THE CHAMPAGNE TRAIL

2 oz. dry gin

1 tsp. Sugar

½ oz. lemon juice

5 oz. brut champagne

Shake gin, lemon juice, sugar and crushed ice in cocktail shaker. Strain into Collins glass half-full with ice and top with champagne.

Playlist: “Feels Good (Don’t Worry Bout a Thing), ” Naughty by Nature

“Tears of a Clown,” Smokey Robinson & The Miracles

CONCLUSION

This is not an attempt to make drunken mockery of a sobering situation.  Definitely do not consume these drinks in the presence of known sexual predators.  There are still so many misogynists out there wandering around in plain sight.  While it’s a good thing celebrities are speaking out, all of us “normal people” have to do the same.  When faced with situations that “aren’t okay,” tell the person that what they are attempting is not okay with you and is a violation of your rights as a human being. There’s many types of abuse – sexual, emotional, physical.  These things are hard to report to the authorities and even harder to prosecute.  If you are being victimized, collect all the evidence you can against the perpetrator, and sue him in civil court. That’s my advice.