All Dogs Go to Heaven, All Cats Go to Hell
Monogamy bores me. I prefer to keep it casual. My “official relationships” last anywhere from three to five months. After that, I can’t take it anymore. I resort to the quick n’ easy break up – via phone, text, or just out of nowhere one day. This doesn’t make me a bad person – I just don’t have time for broken down bozos.
A few weeks ago, I broke up with Drew through text message. I figured we could be friends or something. We’d only dated three months. I couldn’t deal with his erratic behavior. I have my whole life to live. Something told me, “run away.”
Turns out, Drew is prone to psycho behavior more than I even knew. I heard my story Dick Fuzz got back to him, so he dressed up as a cat and posted a “Revenge Selfie.” Yes, we are talking about a full-length cat suit and fuzzy hat- that I didn’t know he even owned. Is that not disturbing or what?
I’m going to tell you a story. It’s about trust issues, jealousy, and the time Drew looked through my phone.
My friend Maurice, a total social butterfly, and I are inside Just Vino. We are sampling some pinots and cabs, nothing major. It’s just one of those kinds of nights when the world seems at your fingertips – late September, crisp and stimulating. The kind of night where anything could happen, especially on the corner of Main and Virginia.
“It’s Gypsy Parlor karaoke tonight,” says Maurice.
“No way,” I say. It’s been my short-term goal to perform “Whiskey in a Jar.”
“Yeah, it’s Thursday,” he says.
“Well let’s go,” I say.
I get into Maurice’s petite Toyota, and we jet off in the direction of Gypsy. I’m buzzed, and just now beginning to realize it.
“I’m going to have to sleep at Drew’s,” I say, “if I continue drinking wine like I’ve been drinking it.”
“Yeah, ok, why not invite Drew?” Maurice says.
“He is at some arts and crafts party,” I say. “I think. It’s at his friend’s house, this guy who’s randomly a millionaire.”
“Really?” says Maurice.
“Yeah, yeah, it’s right over here actually, on Linwood,” I say. Maurice does a U-turn on West Ferry, so that we’re heading towards Linwood. “Should we just pick his ass up? We can go get Drew, and maybe have a drink there.”
Maurice and I pull behind Drew’s friend’s stately mansion. I mean, how sketchy is that, some random mansion? Anyway, Maurice and I knock on the back door. The middle-aged guests are all exiting through it, even though it’s barely ten. I peek into the kitchen. It appears all the booze is gone.
“Drew?” I say, walking through the kitchen. “Drew?”
Drew emerges, rosy-cheeked and presumably, two beers deep. He has a low alcohol threshold.
“Is there any vodka here?” I say.
“Actually, we should go to Gypsy,” Maurice says. “It looks as though the party is over.”
“Damn,” I say. “Oh well, want to go to karaoke with us?” I say.
“Yeah, sure,” says Drew.
Drew jams himself in the back seat of the petite Toyota, and once again, we jet off to Gypsy. He pulls out a brown paper gift bag packed with green tissue paper.
“Here you go,” Drew says.
I reach down into the bag, wondering what the fuck this could be. I pull out a crown, one that someone has made.
“It’s from the party,” Drew says. “I had to buy something from Desiree.”
I look at Maurice, my fashion consultant, after putting the crown on my head. His mouth becomes a toad-esque frown of disapproval. The crown has three glittery white stalagmites jutting out, with a plastic lion’s head in the middle.
“Thanks Drew,” I say. “I’ll wear it to a Christmas party.”
Maurice, Drew, and I pour into Gypsy. A man is onstage singing “It’s All Coming Back to Me Now” by Celine Dion. There were things we’d never do again, but then they’d always seemed right. Drew sits in the corner. Maurice and I stand next to him.
“You got this?” Drew says, slouching against the wall.
“No, I don’t,” I say. I look at him like he’s crazy.
“I’ll get you a drink,” says Maurice.
Drew sits there, unflinched.
“Thanks Maurice,” I say.
I leave to put my name on the list to perform “Whiskey in a Jar”. Once I’m back at the bar, I end up talking mainly with Maurice. Drew hasn’t said much. Some metalhead-looking dude is staring me down from four feet away. Maurice and I are having fun, like we were at Just Vino. Maybe I shouldn’t have brought Drew along.
Forty minutes later, I check with the emcee about my position on the karaoke list. He tells me that I’m next.
“Wow! Thanks,” I say.
I rush over to Maurice and Drew.
“i’m next!” I say, “Let’s do whiskey shots! Maker’s Mark!”
“I don’t want a shot,” Drew says.
“Ok fine, two then,” Maurice says.
“Why is he being a buzz kill?” I whisper to Maurice.
The emcee in a bowler hat calls out that it’s my turn. I rush up to the stage and seize the microphone. The resounding intro of “Whiskey in a Jar” begins.
“I took all of his money, and it was a pretty penny,” I sing in my most deep-throated voice. I kneel on the ground and fall back. “Yeah, and I brought it home to Molly.”
During the instrumental interlude, I walk down to floor-level.
“How are you doing tonight, sir?” i say, raising my microphone towards a middle-aged chubby guy. Before he says anything, I turn and strut away.
Before I know it, the song is over. There’s a brief smatter of applause.
“Thank you dear, what a beautiful mess you are, that was really something,” the emcee says.
I take that as a compliment, as I was channeling Courtney Love.
Back at Drew’s apartment, he puts on Aliens (his choice again, obviously) and I pass out on the couch. I don’t know how much time has passed when I’m woken up, the living room light still on, and my heels and vintage Dooney shoulder bag being thrown in my direction.
“Get out,” Drew’s at the end of the hallway. “I looked through your phone.”
“You what?” I say, in a sobered-up, half asleep slur. “That’s an invasion of privacy.”
“Ok, so who’s Jared Newton?”
Drew looks stricken, overemotional, and vengeful.
“A guy I was texting, obviously,” I say. “What the fuck is your problem?”
“Who is he then?”
“None your business, but someone I met last year,” I say. “He texted me first. What’s the big deal?”
“What about that metalhead guy at Gypsy Parlor, huh?” Drew shrieks like a banshee. “You were all flirting with him, buying him drinks -”
Drew starts stuttering and stammering.
“You are not making any sense,” I say. “I didn’t buy drinks for anybody, not even myself.”
“You were talking to everyone there but me,” Drew says. “And now I find you’re texting with this Jared Newton, and other men -”
“Hey!” I yell. “I don’t believe you had a search warrant for my phone, or my purse, you dick.”
Drew continues to stutter and stammer.
“The next time you touch my stuff, and if you throw anything at me again,” I say, leaning into Drew’s face. “I’ll smack the shit out of you.”
I collect every one of my belongings from his room, and go back to the couch.
That’s just one of the reasons I broke up with Drew. He has issues – more issues than a newsstand, yo. More baggage than Charles de Gaulle. There’s not much that can be done for him this late in his life. I’d categorize him as a lost cause.
Like every horror movie come to life, his considerable baggage is a ticking time bomb waiting to detonate and destroy the entire female population. He’s single now and already casting shadows upon the Buffalo dating scene. Be careful out there. This confession is a cautionary tale.