Category: Relationships
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Abducted in Poughkeepsie
“Gibson Mcaskill and Crosby, LLP,” I recite the law firm name painted on a brick wall behind me, in the tone of voice an anchor girl would use before removing her top. “You’re beautiful,” shouts a man from parts unknown. “Cut,” says Pete. He lowers the camcorder. “That was really good.” “Now what?” Randy says.…
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Lifestyles of the Rich and the Homeless
Oh, to be nice. Isn’t it so rare? Nice, nice, nice. Nice guys finish last. Well, that’s a good thing. Nice guys make sure their ladies come first. NICE! What I really need is a nice man. Someone who considers my feelings. Pete seems like he can keep up. Plus, he makes me laugh. He…
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The Sunshine State Affair
I’m down in the outskirts of Tampa, FL visiting Cousin Phil, and also his friend Blaine Templeton with whom I’ve corresponded a year. I was supposed to meet “Blaine” when I visited Phil last February. But apparently, Blaine got caught up in some sort of bender three hours away, and wasn’t around. I seized Cousin…
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The Slut Diaries: Part I
There’s playing with fire and getting burned, and then there’s dousing yourself in lighter fluid and going full-on Richard Pryor. Ever since the emotionally-abusive cycle with Billy ended, after he spazzed off on me in a jealous rage and things went totally caput, I’ve propelled myself into a Sluttylicious Spree of epic proportions, with party…
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Cupid, Cuckolds, and the Cherry on Top
A Valentine’s Special It’s a cold winter Saturday, the time of night when fog creeps into this part of downtown and hangs over the cobblestone streets. It seems haunted, eerie, like something from the days of Jack the Ripper. Smoke clouds emanate from a factory on the horizon. I’m wandering the casino with Louis and…
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Movie Santas I’d Like To F**k
The stockings are hung, and my presents are wrapped. Because when a random dude in red infiltrates your chimney, one has to be ready. I’ve tied myself up and am awaiting the arrival of this man, the Man in Red. But who is he? A total enigma, duh, according to limited folklore.. So here I…
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House of Tards
Kevin Spacey, Harvey Weinstein, and Louis C.K. walk into a bar. “What are ya having, sweetcheeks?” asks the barmaid. “Barely-legal virgins,” says Harvey. “Little boys,” Kevin says. “Want to see my dick?” says Louie. “Ummmm…” says the barmaid. “There’s a punchline here somewhere.” When it comes to sexual assault, happiness is the best…
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No Ifs, Ands, Or Big Fat Butts
This story isn’t about butts. It’s about romance. But what is “romance?” No one seems to know, not even the dictionary. The dictionary says it’s, first and foremost, a “novel, movie, or genre of fiction.” Google says it’s “a feeling” associated with “love.” I always thought romance was something sold in the Victoria’s Secret…
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Romantic Retardation*
*In the clinical sense of the word Another Memorial Day, another drama. That’s my life. For the past two months, I was seeing this guy “Billy,” an electrician with peroxided hair. I thought that I knew the real him. Our passionate connection made me feel like we were sheltered under the sunny boardwalks of Venice…
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The Blind Leading the Blind(fold): How to Spot Serial Killers on Dating Apps
I recently had the displeasure of being zip-tied in a man’s home. But that’s what I get for not paying attention to the “red flags” that Teddy constantly waves through the air like he just don’t care; I was too preoccupied with my own delusions and fantasies to notice them. In fact, Teddy and I…
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