Category: Sex
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Movie Santas I’d Like To F**k
The stockings are hung, and my presents are wrapped. Because when a random dude in red infiltrates your chimney, one has to be ready. I’ve tied myself up and am awaiting the arrival of this man, the Man in Red. But who is he? A total enigma, duh, according to limited folklore.. So here I…
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No Ifs, Ands, Or Big Fat Butts
This story isn’t about butts. It’s about romance. But what is “romance?” No one seems to know, not even the dictionary. The dictionary says it’s, first and foremost, a “novel, movie, or genre of fiction.” Google says it’s “a feeling” associated with “love.” I always thought romance was something sold in the Victoria’s Secret…
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Romantic Retardation*
*In the clinical sense of the word Another Memorial Day, another drama. That’s my life. For the past two months, I was seeing this guy “Billy,” an electrician with peroxided hair. I thought that I knew the real him. Our passionate connection made me feel like we were sheltered under the sunny boardwalks of Venice…
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How to Have Sex in a Church (and Get Away With It)
“Got no religion / Don’t need no friends / Got all I want / And I don’t need to pretend” – Black Sabbath Are you turned on by dripping hot candle wax? What about sipping wine in a robe, or whipping yourself in a cold, dark room? It’s easy to become aroused in church. Inhale…
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Submitted For Your Approval
Inside a house far back from the street dwells a man with a cross to bear. He’s an even-tempered man, albeit a very reclusive man, who may or may not dose himself with MDMA, psychotherapy-style. If we could see through his curtains, which are perpetually closed, we would see him reading by the fire. In…
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Filthy Confessions
“What’s your fanta-ta-ta-sy?” -Ludacris The first adult film I ever watched was called “Naughty Fantasies,” or something like that, from Baby Doll Productions. I found it in a CD case for Now That’s What I Call Music: Volume 18 that my college roommate left lying around. She was out of town when I made the…
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Doomed Chemistry
Ever have a crush on someone from afar? Someone you only know a little bit, but they seem like your “type”? Well, I did. It’s 10 pm and I’m driving to Murray’s house. Porch lights flick on as I drive down his street. I pull to the curb. It’s still open-window weather, and I overhear…
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The Pain. The Torture. The Foreplay.
A Halloween Retrospective Halloween’s ghosts are gone. The vamps went back to their coffins. Headless Horsemen rode off into the woods, since they weren’t getting any. Zombies looking for tacos had to settle for poutine, or perhaps they fed on their own puke. Who knows? Who’s to say? Spirits of Allentown shut their doors a…
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It Started With A Syringe
I was at work the other day and ended up having a conversation about losing your virginity. Believe it or not, I wasn’t the one who brought it up. “I was thirteen,” my co-worker, Ginnifer with the Blue Mani, said. “I was fifteen,” said Shelby with the Mauve Lip Liner. “And I’ve been on birth…
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Waking up on Wednesday
It’s a schitzo kind of morning in a hotel room on the outskirts of town. Despite how thick the blinds are, the sun manages to shoot across the unmade bed. Beside me lies a snoozing male companion. Um, what’s his name? No, seriously…what was his name? I jump out of bed and tiptoe across the…
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